Scars
by colbyj
Summary: It has been three years since Naru's departure and Mai has developed a heartbreaking coping skill- self harm. What's to happen when the love of her life comes back and she's forced to keep her secrets and struggle harder with her addictions, all while balancing the strenuous cases ahead? How long can she keep her internal and external scars hidden before it's too late? (caution:tw)


I curled my lips upward and a small laugh flitted through the air. As real as it appeared, all of it was fake. I was fake. A fraud. How could I be anything but? My hollow heart had withered to where no heart remained. I was void of anything and everything.

"Bou-san, you always tell the funniest stories!" Yasu praised. Words of agreement echoed through the room. Idle chit chat took the place of former laughter and I silently excused myself to the bathroom. The urges that swirled in my head, drowning me like an unbalanced weight, were winning.

Stuffing my hand into my pocket, I palmed a small metallic object. It was as cold as his heart. A dark smirk crept from my mouth. Once in the bathroom I turned and locked the door. The comforting click of solitude resounded in my ears.

Everything suddenly felt heavy. My limbs were stuffed with slabs of concrete, stopping the course of blood in my veins. A dull ringing transformed into a raging loudness, and I could not decipher between it being the organ in my chest threatening to pound its way to greet the still air or if it were something more.

Shaking fingers slipped from my pockets to my sides, and with an inhalation of the poisonous gas that kept me alive, I stopped. The trembling subsided for only a second as I extend my left arm so that the nakedness of my bare skin was fully noticeable; and my right hand, which with three fingers held every last dripping emotion I could carry, I poised my personal pen in place. With another faux smile and the ceasing of time and the dip of my writing utensil, red ink appeared on the page.

A lot of people don't understand what could possibly benefit a person from mutilating their own skin. If you asked me how I came to it, I couldn't tell you. I mean, I know _why_ I feel the need, but out of all the ways I could have coped, I don't have a clue as to why this was the one I picked. It just happened and now our relationship is everlasting.

The excruciating pain people associate with bringing yourself to the point of hospitalization does not exist for me. In this moment, it is simply me. I am overtaken by the mental and emotional pain, by the adrenaline that works its way under my skin and into the tears that spill over alongside my blood. With dead eyes I can rip apart my body and watch as a crater of white flesh bubbles over with crimson. It is slow at first, tantalizing to watch. Then, it is as though my body has become a fountain, flowing continuously without need to end. I create more and more depressions in my arm, leaving not a trace of my usual pale complexion, but instead that familiar red.

The routine is always the same. Destroy, repair, take care. Satisfied with the damage, I warily turned the knob of the faucet. My grip was loose, energy drained in conjunction with the falling of my insides. I began rinsing the blood from my blade, wiping it down and settling it back into my pocket. Observing the wreckage around me, I was blinded by red. It canvassed the prior white tiles and slightly tarnished the blue of my jeans.

Mutely, I rummaged through the bottom cabinet drawers, pulling out my hidden first-aid kit. I often found myself in this bathroom. The permanent stains in between each floor tile were proof of that. Unlatching its hinges, I removed the suturing kit and began to stitch the patches that littered my arm.

This occurrence was so frequent that I found it easiest to teach myself how to fix what I'd done, rather than pay the hospital to do it. Cuts overlapped old scars and stitching from the previous day. My senses began to return to me and only then did I notice the steady knock against the wooden door.

"Mai? Mai you have been in there a long time… Are you okay?" Concern laced the young priest's voice. I quietly cleared my throat and spoke.

"Yeah John I'm okay! I got a little distracted. You know how lost I can get at times."

He paused for a moment. "Okay, well please be careful." The nervousness was evident in his voice. The blue eyed boy waited a few seconds before the pitter patter of his fleeting footsteps greeted my ears.

Returning to my work, I hurriedly finished with my arm and then rinsed away any remaining blood from both the room and myself. Glancing in the mirror for any perceptible differences, I gave the okay and rolled down the sleeve of my maroon cardigan, heading out the door.

As I approached the living room I could more clearly pick up the hushed conversation ahead.

"Ever since he left it's been like this…"

"I'm really worried about her. She is constantly gone for long periods of time and no one knows why."

"She's been smiling and laughing though… It has been a few years; I think she's doing better."

"But you know how she hates to worry people… It could just be her being strong."

"Maybe tomorrow will really help her, turn her away from all of the pain."

I'd heard enough and decided to fully step into the room. My emergence evoked a stronger stillness. A few moments passed before Ayako awkwardly greeted me back, "Mai, we missed you! We were just talking about how it would be good to maybe do another case together. It's been so long and it would be nice for all of us to be together again for a longer time."

The lie was as apparent as the fact that I had brown hair. Plastering on my default smile, I tilted my head to the side and clasped my hands together, bobbing my head slightly.

"I'd really like that!" There was some truth in my words. We hadn't done a case together for three years… It never even seemed much of a thought. Of course, Bou-san and the rest respectively adhered to their own jobs of exorcisms, but as for me, school became my life's work.

I went back and graduated within the top ten percentile and ranked three of three-hundred and seventy-five. Coming back with little to no absences, I was able to focus more on academics, managing better than I ever had throughout my years of schooling. At first, I didn't want to go to university. I wouldn't be able to afford it and I surely would not ask anyone else for the money.

Yasu managed to convince me to apply for scholarships and to take the Tokyo University entrance exam. Somehow, I got in, and the school granted me $50,000. That along with separate scholarships and what little savings I had left from working with SPR, I began attending the school double majoring in parapsychology and pre-med. I have minors in other fields of science, criminology, and psychology. My graduation date is in one week, eleven hours, and fifty-two minutes.

Bou-san snapped me out of my reverie by hanging off of my shoulders and giving me a squeeze. I winced but let out a small laugh. The rest of the old team members joined us.

"You know, I was actually just offered something in Nagano," Ayako expelled.

A sudden switch in my head flicked on and a low murmur of voices settled in my brain. As Ayako spoke, the voices picked up, growing louder and quicker, seemingly relaying to me what she was saying in images in my head. I held my breath.

"A family came to me concerned about their property. Their children were acting odd and unusual at times, saying strange things and then suddenly reverting back to normal, unaware of anything they had said. They own a small lake where their friends and family members have reported being pulled in, even while indolently walking by. The family's eldest daughter is what has them most frightened. A few times a week, she will wake up with words or messages engraved into her body. She seems to have gone mute, and refuses to speak or make eye contact with anyone. According to her parents, this is very unusual for their normally bright and bubbling daughter."

The group went quiet, all in thought. While nothing seemed extraordinarily paranormal, it was worth taking a look at.

"Naturally," the shrine-maiden picked up, "I accepted the case. I can call and let them know I'll be bringing along a team so that they can arrange sleeping quarters for us. What do you all think?"

Bou-san threw up his usual grin and a fist pump in the air, "Alright! I'm down! When are we leaving?"

"I was scheduled to leave tomorrow morning at around six. We should be back well before Mai's graduation next week… Is everyone clear to come in?" Ayako stated.

All around the room people bobbed their heads, informing us of their attendance on the case. At first I was unsure. I did not want to end up missing graduation somehow. I'd worked so hard to get to this point in my life.

Noticing my distressed look, Masako quietly whispered behind her sleeve, "Don't worry, we have more than enough brain cells to solve this case and be back before your graduation."

As rudely as it was put, the medium's words were a bit reassuring. Wrinkling my nose, I gave my own nod of approval. "All right, then, me too!"

After a few more excited minutes passed, I glanced at the clock. It read 10:47PM. While a small mewl of a yawn escaped Masako's lips, I knew I'd still be up for many hours. It did not matter that dark circles rested below heavy eyelids.

"I think I'm going to retire for the night, it's getting a tad late. Shall we all meet outside Mai's place?" John inquired.

It was unanimously decided, minus my own vote. One by one, bodies shuffled out of my door, waving goodbye until next morn. The people I call my family gave my hugs and pats on the head, saying they'd see me tomorrow. I returned each gesture with a similar one.

Finally, I was able to close and lock my door, exhaling a breath I didn't realize I was holding in. I trudged myself into the bathroom, indifferently strewing my clothes in the floor. Wordlessly, I stepped into the shower. Looking down, I realized my suturing job from earlier was not sufficient enough. I'll need to fix that after this.

* * *

The grassy green blinking numbers across from me spat the time, 3:57AM. I pulled my knees in closer to my chest, remaining unmoving beyond that.

If I slept, I'd have those horrid nightmares. A different death with every sleep. The happenings were slow at first, maybe an experienced trauma every few nights. Gradually, they grew more frequent until they completely took over. I never before in my life thought I'd fear a nap.

I sat in the same spot for another hour before rising. I draped a charcoal throw around my shoulders and slid in socks to the kitchen. It'd be nice to prepare some tea on the kettle while I packed all of the necessary belongings.

As the water boiled, I lugged a worn navy suitcase onto my bed, unzipping it to pour in its contents. I started with the basics like undergarments and hygienic products, next folding in pajamas and day clothes, along with an extra pair of shoes. I reached over to the side where the small army green backpack lay. Warily checking its innards, I made certain that my travel aid kit and box of fun things were there. I delicately rubbed my thumb over the miniature box, disguised as a jewelry container, knowing well what was inside of it.

A rough screech reverberated from the other room and I made to settle the calming drink. Taking it with me to the bedroom, I set it on the bedside table. From my drawers, I slipped on black leggings and a periwinkle sweater that wrapped loosely around my torso. Most all of my outfits were this way, long sleeved and covering my tainted skin.

Adorning a pair of tall white socks and black combat boots, I downed the rest of my tea. Hurriedly, I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth, all the while observing the dark circles under my eyes. Practicing a smile, I took note of how it helped lessen the look of my exhausted brown irises.

Rapping echoed from my door, followed by the sound of it opening. That's right; I'd given Bou-san a key. "Mai, I really hope you're awake and ready to go!"

Rinsing my mouth and dragging my suitcase out into the living room, I gave the brightest grin I could muster, fooling them all.

"I'm ready, I'm ready!" I laughed.

The monk took the case from my hands and ushered me out the door, flickering off the lights as we went. He seemed even more excited and devilish than usual. Something about it made my senses ripple in discontent.

"Let's go, then! Lock the door behind you!" I complied, fumbling for my key. Patting down my backpack, I scurried down the stairs to be met by the rest of our group.

I glanced up as I spoke, prepared to welcome the morning to those around me. I was not prepared, however, for the scene inches from my toes. My words caught as a lump in my throat and my eyes glazed over, revealing the emptiness behind them.

"Surely someone of your brain capacity could at least manage a hello."

Icy blue met broken brown. Bile worked its way into my mouth until I was leaning against the decrepit wall, emptying what little I had inside of my stomach onto the cracked pavement.

Ayako and John rushed to my side, one pushing the slight curls of my chestnut locks from my face, the other rubbing my back and asking what was wrong.

After another minute, I was faced with a bottle of water that I gladly indulged in. As my stare trailed upwards, I registered that that was not the reaction expected from the know-all-narcissist.

My chest tightened and I pursed my lips, not ready to utter even a sound.

"We thought we'd surprise you… Naru is reopening SPR, and this is our first case back," the priestess nervously revealed.

There were a million thoughts running through my head, thousands of words I wanted to say, and yet the air remained quiet and my lips remained silent.

Another moment of quiet.

"Welcome back," I slowly breathed.

The urges were clawing at my skin. It felt as though I was being consumed by scorching flames and my only sense of relief was but a fingertip out of reach. I pressed my backpack tightly against my arm, assuring myself that my salvation was near. Give it time and I could be rescued.

"So," John awkwardly breathed, "How about Mai ride with Shibuya and Lin-san and the rest of us pile into Bou-san's car?"

A conjoined echo of agreement undulated through the air. My limbs stiffened. The words of rejection sat uncomfortably on my lips and yet I couldn't muster even a sound. Bou-san tugged me along, ushering me to the large black van. While the others waved and smiled and encouraged me to move forward, I silently willed them to see me for once, to see past my outside demeanor and realize that this was the last place I wanted to be.

Unsurprisingly, no one caught on and was able to help me. "Our equipment takes up most of the back, "Lin quipped, implying my need to be sandwiched between the two. Three and a half hours in this situation made my insides begin to churn once more.

The minutes agonizingly crept by, followed by car doors slamming shut and the revving of engines. My former boss slid in beside me, the silk cloth of his button down pressing slightly into my side.

I kept my appendages as close as possible, gripping onto my arms tightly with shaky hands. My breathing was shallow as I tried to keep as still and quiet as possible. Thinking back, this was the first car ride with the two in which I was awake and not talking. An hour had passed without a single encounter shared.

Nervously I swept quick glances to either side of me, predominantly to the right. The stoic man had a hardened expression on as he combed through a manila folder case file. My eyes lingered a second too long and he shifted his attention my way. My clammy hands pressed hard into my arms until I felt slight moisture.

Shit. I was bleeding through.

"I…" I began. This time, both men stared right at me. I became very self conscious, fidgeting in place. What if they saw the blood? Would they say anything? Oh, god. I slid a hand under my sweater and pressed my palm into the open wound. I couldn't get a spare shirt if I soiled this one without being questioned. I winced at the intense sting.

My nerves were a sporadic mess. "Can we stop to use the restroom?" I whispered. Upon looking out the window I took note of the single gas station coming up. Lin's eyes followed my trail.

Naru let out an exasperated sigh and without another word we were pulling over. A second car parked beside us, the passenger window rolling down.

"Why are we stopping?" The priestess voiced. The doors slid open and the darkly clad man made for me to scoot past him. I shuffled out of the vehicle; backpack adorned and with my arms crossed so as not to take off the wound or to look conspicuous, murmuring about the bathroom before hastily darting inside.

Looks passed between the remaining members behind me. The small chime of the door opening alerted the woman at the register of a customer. I gave her a nod of acknowledgment before turning my head in every direction to locate the bathroom.

"To your left, past the beer," the woman mused. I expressed my thanks before heading in that direction. Before I'd even opened the single stall restroom my hands were cautiously sliding up my sweater so as to avoid staining it.

A small pool of clotted blood was cupped in one hand. As I lifted it away from my arm, the blood flow became heavier. I disrupted a suture. I started by cleaning and sterilizing my arm and hands to the best of my abilities while in a contaminated gas station bathroom before swinging open my backpack to remove the first aid kit. I popped the top and removed the needed equipment, hurriedly threading the damage shut.

It took about ten minutes but I finally finished and cleaned myself. I snatched some gauze wrap out of my sack and tentatively bandaged my arm before rolling down my now wrinkled sleeve. My nerves once again shot up as I truly realized how long I'd been gone. They were going to kill me.

As I was stuffing my pack back to its restored form I become conscious of my low bounty of bandaging. Handling a pocketful of yen, I flit through the bathroom and into the store, briefly scanning for what I needed before slapping it on the counter to be rung up.

While the cashier took her time I impatiently put away my buy and made for the door, "Keep the change!" I called behind me.

There sat our crew, walking about the car and making small talk with one another. All but two and myself had joined. Yasu was the first to spot me, approaching to ruffle my hair.

"You okay kid?" The monk asked from the side. "You'd been gone awhile."

I nodded profusely and swung around to the van, carefully climbing into place. Those from the other car shared a confused look at my abruptness but shambled into their respective car as well and we took off.

Before leaving the parking lot I noticed Masako eye me warily. I pretended not to see and continued to keep to myself in the crammed vehicle.

 **Thank you for reading this chapter guys! I hope you all like it. Please be sure to read and review and all of that good stuff!**


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